Polyamory vs Open Relationships
Think that all non-monogamous relationships can be described as polyamory? Well, think again.
Whilst you might assume that anyone not in a totally monogamous relationship can be labelled polyamorous, that’s not the case at all! In fact, there are a few big differences between these two types of relationships that set them apart and determine how partners can explore ethical non-monogamy.
So, whether you’re wanting to explore non-monogamous relationships or you’re simply eager to learn what the difference between polyamory and open relationships is, you’re in the right place: we’re going to be taking a deep dive into the difference between polyamory and open relationships!
What Is An Open Relationship?
An open relationship is a relationship where two partners are romantically monogamous, but allow each other to enjoy casual sex with others outside the relationship.
Although there are different guidelines and rules to open relationships (as with every type of relationship), generally those in open relationships have no romantic connection outside of their relationship with their partner. Therefore, the reasoning behind having an open relationship, or wanting to open up a relationship, is that people want to express their sexual desires with others, not just with their partner.
Typically, open relationships are two-sided, meaning that both partners are allowed and free to explore sexual activities with others. However, on some occasions, only one partner in a relationship is allowed to do this whilst the other remains sexually monogamous - this is a one-sided open relationship.
What Is Polyamory?
Polyamory, unlike open relationships, is not just about physical pleasure! People who identify as polyamorous or those who are in polyamorous relationships seek and are allowed by their partner(s) to develop emotional and romantic connections with others. In polyamorous relationships, people have more than one partner, and can be in love with or fall in love with many people.
Polyamorous relationships can take many forms and can range from a more open form of polyamory where other people are invited into an existing relationship and a sort of group is formed, to a more closed form where each person has other partners as well, but who don’t spend time all together and wouldn’t class each person in a collective group as partners.
Although in some polyamorous relationships there is a hierarchical structure where there’s a primary relationship and then other secondary and tertiary relationships and so on, typically there’s no hierarchy in polyamorous relationships and each relationship is equal and unique.
Open Relationship Vs Polyamory
Eager to break down the main differences between a poly and an open relationship? Let’s take a look!
The main difference: sexual connection vs romantic connection.
As you’ve probably already realised by taking a look at the definitions of polyamory and open relationships, the main difference between them is the type of connection that is allowed to occur within each of these relationships.
In open relationships, there’s an understanding that people are having casual sex, or exploring their sexual selves, with people outside of the relationship. However, this doesn’t mean that there should be a romantic connection there or that the people involved in the open relationship are looking for other people to feel a romantic connection with.
Of course, sometimes this does happen, (after all, casual sex can confuse our emotions), however, there’s no intention for any connections outside of the main relationship to be emotional. Therefore, open relationships are almost always about the physical!
However, polyamory is about finding and exploring love with other people besides the person that you might be in a relationship with (if you start off with one partner in the first place, of course).
Although there’s a high likelihood that more sex will be added to the mix if you’re exploring polyamory, that’s not the goal. Rather, the goal is to explore emotional connections with other people - the premise of polyamory is that you can love more than one person and love can continue to grow, even when your partner(s) love others.
Open relationships are more casual, and polyamory is more of a lifestyle: casual sex vs a loving lifestyle.
Another difference between open relationships and polyamory is their seriousness. Typically, opening up a relationship is an aspect of a relationship - the relationship between the two partners involved is the priority and having sex with other people outside of the relationship is normally done on a casual basis.
Certain open relationships even have specific boundaries about how many times partners can have sex with certain people, which people they can or can’t have sex with, and whether or not they would like to openly communicate about the sex that’s occurring outside of the relationship.
Essentially, an open relationship means that each partner can enjoy having sex with others, but the relationship itself exists between two people and neither person has another significant other. However, polyamory is different.
Those in polyamorous relationships identify as poly, meaning they are someone that wants to have multiple partners at once and doesn’t need or want a singular relationship. In fact, they might even have polyamorous relationships that intertwine - sometimes poly families are even formed, where three or more people all live together.
Therefore, although an open relationship is definitely a committed choice that partners make, polyamory is much more of a lifestyle, way of living and loving, and personal identification.
Is It Not Cheating? Both Open Relationships and Polyamory Are Consensual and Ethical Non-Monogamy
Many people that identify as monogamous assume that those who have any kind of connection (whether sexual or romantic) with anyone other than their partner are cheating. Unfortunately, open relationships and polyamory are often given bad rapport due to people in monogamous relationships being unfaithful and then falling back on these terms, claiming they are poly or that they wanted an open relationship but didn’t know how to communicate it.
Therefore, it’s very important to understand that cheating is not the same and cannot be compared to ethically non-monogamous relationships and should never be used as an excuse for unfaithful behaviour.
Both open relationships and polyamory are consensual and ethical types of non-monogamy, meaning that everyone involved is fully aware of what’s happening and supports the type of relationship, before the relationship is opened up or other people are involved in any way.
In fact, to make a consensually non-monogamous relationship work, there has to be direct, clear, and honest communication at all times, and therefore this may even suggest that the bond between people in these types of relationships is stronger than those who are practising monogamy.
Polyamory Vs Polygamy
We can’t discuss polyamory without taking a moment to take a look at polygamy: both of which are often mistaken for one another but definitely need to be clearly understood as two individual types of relationships.
Those who practice polyamory have multiple partners. However, polygamy is when a man is married to multiple women (if it’s a woman it’s defined as polyandry). Although those that don’t define themselves as a religious or spiritual person can of course still practice polygamy, typically this type of marriage is associated with specific religions or cultural belief systems. These types of marriages can have different dynamics, from having all of the wives living with the husband and not having their own relationships, to each wife living apart from the husband and also having their own relationships outside of the marriage.
In both the US and the UK, polygamy is illegal.
The Takeaway
Consensual non-monogamy is getting more and more airtime recently, even though it’s been practised for centuries.
So, whether you’re hearing about your friend’s open relationship over the brunch table, discussing the concept of polyamory with your partner, or seeing content about ethical non-monogamy on your social media channels, you’re now much more clued up on the subject and ready to explore the world of non-monogamy further, whether that means just having a better understanding of it, or dipping your toe a little further into the water.
